I Missed You

Keeping up the maintenance of a blog has been a dream of mine for a very long time. I began writing in this blog years ago and suddenly stopped as my life changed. Looking back at these changes I wish I would have kept this blog more updated, so that I could look back as I get older and see all that I have grown. 

I went from falling in love with the characters of the books I read, to flirting with real boys, to my first relationship that ended as soon as it had started, to the heartbreak that came from the breakup, to moving to another country to pursue a higher education, to losing the only best friend I ever had, to missing my mother so much that it hurt as I took a breath, to getting my first job, to the second job, to the third job, to going to college, to meeting the man that I am still in love with, to falling in debt with school, to dropping out of college for one semester, to moving back with my parents, to rebelling for not being independent to make decisions despite being financially independent, to going against my dad and moving back to another country, to crying from stress, to crying from lack of strength, to crying for the lack of sleep, to crying for lack of money, to being happy, to growing in love, to learning how to move on, to growing into the person I am today.

I wish I had recorded all of this when it happened. I wish I knew what I was feeling at every moment that my life changed, every moment that I took a definitive decision. I wish to see myself grow in the hopes of helping my future children grow. 

I hope to keep myself posted.

The Return.

It has been a while since I wrote something for this blog. I miss this place. In over a year, my life has changed drastically. Not only did I take a few English classes that have indeed improved my writing, my emotional life has turned around completely, and thus, changed the course of my writing.

I am in love. And being in love can change everything. My life has changed in more ways than I ever imagined before turning 20. I am not saying I am a mature adult, absolutely not. But I am ready to head there, I am ready to take the first few steps on my own, and with the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Whenever I look back at the days that changed my life forever, the defining days that marked my growth as an adult, today will definitely be on my mind. 

Today I talked to my dad. But I really talked to him, like we have never spoken before. Talking to my dad about things that I know he will not agree with has always been a terror in my life. My dad doesn’t take what he does not like the right way. And because of this fear, I have been very unfair to my father. I have lied to him, and I’ve hurt him more than I thought I could with a single lie. But with that lie, I triggered the response I wanted, he responded be treating me as an adult and no longer as his little girl. My dad took me out for breakfast today, just him and I, and we talked. We did not scream and we did not argue, we simply talked. He calmly approached my lie, and we both cried, and I realized that my father notices how much I’ve grown. I promised I wouldn’t lie again, that I would speak the truth even if it hurts him, and I will.

Today I have also tested the strength of my relationship with my boyfriend, and it is much stronger than I thought. I love my relationship; I’d say it’s quite perfect. Yes, we fight and we do not agree on everything, but we have the ability to talk about the disagreements and reach a conclusion that is favorable for both. We are loyal, communicative, honest, respectful, and most important, loving with each other. I cherish who he is and what he makes me, and he appreciates who I am and what I make him. We have not been dating for that long, but yet we are comfortable to talk about a future together, and to envision our goals as one.  But today, today reinforced everything I have told you. Bear with me as I explain... My boyfriend and I have committed to a long-distance relationship for about a month. We were used to doing everything together, we studied together, we ate together, and we spent every second of free time we had together. I never thought I could trust someone so much and grow so close to a person in so little time. But I did, I love him more than I can bear, and being away from him breaks my heart every single day we’re apart. Since I arrived back home and away from him, he has been asking when I am coming back, demanding for a plan and a definite date for my return. As an unemployed, poor, and in-debt student, a plan is not really in my horizon. Today, I have a plan. You see, my boyfriend and I have talked about marriage before, many times. We had agreed that it wouldn’t happen until we were able to afford the real deal, which is in our 30’s. But the circumstances require other measures. No, I am not getting married. But we have agreed to fight together. We have planned to make a plan. He agreed to take off half of the weight from my shoulders and find a way so that we can figure this out together. And with a single 2-hour conversation, the air rushed back into my lungs and finally let me breathe.

You now probably know more than you should about me. But I wanted to share the way I feel right now. How I feel adulthood growing on my skin with every breath. I now have a voice and right to decide what is best for my life, and I have the support of someone who loves me to hold my hand as we both immerge ourselves into the world of “grown-ups.”

I never knew I could be so happy with so much uncertainty in my life. And that, my friends, is how love has changed me; I am no longer afraid of that which I do not know.

I Always Will.

We never went to the beach together,
but the sand between my toes reminds me of you.
We never shared ice-cream together,
but the rich and creamy taste reminds me of you.
We never flied a kite together,
but the soaring wind tangling my hair reminds me of you.

Do not get me wrong love,
for I am not in love,
I am melancholic and homesick
for the love that never was.
No, I am not in love,
I am melancholic and homesick
of the memory, of the doubt.

We never read a book together,
but the smell of crispy paper reminds me of you.
We never walked under the moon together,
but its peaceful glow reminds me of you.
We never said goodbye,
which is why I remember you.

You will always be the long forgotten whisper in the wind.
Your face behind my eyelids will be the light guiding my dreams.
But do not get me wrong love,
for I am not in love.
No, I never loved you,
but I always will.

Fairy Dust.

I am terrified to begin the rest of my life. I want to be like Peter Pan, I wish I could be a child forever. But I know I can't, I know it's impossible. How can I be a child if I have dreams and desires to accomplish? I want to meet Mr. Right. I want to meet love. I want to get married. I want to travel. I want to educate myself. I want to open my eyes and mind to the world. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a writer. I want children of my own. I want many things from life, but I also want to be myself. I'm afraid of losing who I am on the process of growing up. I'm afraid of forgetting where I come from and the people who have made me who I am. I'm afraid of tomorrow, of the uncertainty that makes tomorrow a dark and mysterious place. Will I be proud of who I will become? Will I be what I dream today? Will I forget my goals and principles in the way? As I get older, more questions build up in my mind, clogging my brain and leaving little room for imagination and childish creativity. There is no doubt... I am afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid of growing up, I am my own version of Peter Pan.

Tomorrow may be uncertain, but I am certain that I will never allow the child in me to fade away. Somehow, I will always be a little Peter Pan. I have my fears and writing to remind myself of who I am, who I've always been. All I need to survive the uncertainty of tomorrow is the magic of my dreams, and of course, a handful of sparkly fairy dust.

Shhh.

She will never forget the smell of wet grass as the rain hit the ground. It pounded on her scalp and dripped down her chin as it fell on her soaked clothes. The rain concealed the tears streaming down her face as they got into her mouth and left a salty taste on her tongue. As they lowered the body of the boy she loved, all she could feel in her heart was hatred. Sarah did not feel sorrow, she did not feel sad. Sarah was quietly glad for his death. Her sister touched her hand as it was time to go and she smiled to herself as she threw the last white rose on the surface of the coffin.

Cielo azúl.

Me gusta voltear hacia el cielo y saber que no soy la única sufriendo. Me gusta saber que en algún lugar del mundo alguien lamenta las cosas que ha hecho y las decisiones que ha tomado. Me gusta saber que hay alguien viendo el cielo, lamentándose y pensando que hay alguna otra persona que comparte su sufir. Me gusta saber que esa persona soy yo.

Me gusta saber que hay personas agradecidas con la vida, sin importar que tienen hoyos en los zapatos. Me gusta saber que hay gente honesta, gente feliz; me hacen darme cuenta de lo egoísta, vanidosa, y egocéntrica que soy.

Me gusta caminar, un pie delante del otro, mi cabeza inundada de pensamientos, y mis ojos llenos de lágrimas. Me gusta sentir el viento secar mis mejillas, y sonreir al cielo con el sol cegando mi vista. Me gusta saber que voy comenzando, que a mi vida aún le falta encontrar su sentido. Me gusta que mis tristezas y errores me abran los ojos, y me hagan valorar lo que he perdido.

Decenas de carros con docenas de personas pasan por la calle donde camino. Todos los días cruzamos miradas, pero nunca nos detenemos a pensar en la felicidad o tristeza de desconocidos. Así que camino con la mirada en el piso y lágrimas sobre mis mejillas, esperando que un desconocido olvide por dos segundos sus problemas, y se pregunte por los míos.

Life is worth living.

I know my reckless thoughts should not be published on the very first day of the new year. I should have some consideration for the person/s who read my blog. But I could not stop myself from drifting my thoughts into this depressed state of mind. Sometimes (frequently) I stop and wonder if what I consider important in life is actually important. Would it make a difference if I was a bit more careless? If I dedicated less time planning my future and actually lived my present? Are my goals right? Is this what a person has to seek and dream? I have doubts, I wonder if everything I do is worthy of my time and life. What will a good education mean after I'm long gone and six feet under dirt? Nothing can assure me anything. I am the one who chooses what is important for me...but how can I ever know? 

Say more in less words.

Distraction is so easy to obtain, I can't wrap my head around something for an instant because before I know it, I'm already thinking about something else. Do you know that feeling? When you have so much on your mind? When you are battling between a torrent of ideas and thoughts? That's how I feel right now, that is how I have felt lately; and having such an obstacled mind really makes my writing suck. So instead, I will share a quote from the book I'm reading, it is a new perspective to the topic, something I have never considered, but liked very much.

"...there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. Do you understand that?... When you kill a man, you steal a life, you steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children from a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. Do you see?"

I see, I can see perfectly how this man is right. The book is titled The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, my english teacher let me borrow it, and though I am barely in chapter three, I know I am going to love it.

Better judgement.

In the path of life, there will always be people that make you as blissful as you'll ever be, but their time to go comes, and they will make you as unhappy as you have ever been. 

People ease into your life, into your heart, they squeeze into the cracks of your skin, they do it slowly, patiently. They become your weakness, your strength, and everything in between; they allow you to smile, to laugh, to breath; they become the very best of you. And after they reach into your mind and soul, when they become the base of your thoughts... they leave. Unannounced. Quickly. Without leaving a trace. Those empty cracks start filling up with pain, unending tears drip from your eyes like broken faucets, and your heart hides from light, finding home in the darkest of your thoughts. Anger overpowers happiness; but then it fades away, camouflaging behind confusion and all those unending questions that keep you up every night, waiting for the answers that will never come. It seems impossible, but the time when you don't feel nothing at all eventually comes, music stops making you sad, and you begin to smile as enlightenment reaches the corners of your heart's cave. Realization hits you, the ice wall breaks, and you learn that people who hurt you the most, also teach you more than you can imagine.

I was taught that I am valuable, not because of money or last names. Today I can smile on my own, because I am valuable for who I am, what I believe in, and who I will become. I was taught that I shouldn't stop believing in myself, that I shouldn't give up on my dreams, that I have to fight for what I feel is best for me.

Society may have it's own judgment, but today, I am the judge of myself.

Insignificantly significant.

I was blessed to grow up in a family where love is sweet, where you could feel it in the air, warm and toasty, like a steaming cup of hot chocolate on a cold winters' night.

My dad used to go to Home Depot a lot, and my sisters and I loved to keep him company. We enjoyed looking at all the beautiful bright lamps, the colorful doors, and the marvelous windows. We chose dozens of paint colors for our rooms that would never be painted, we chose everything that we liked the most, door knobs, rugs, refrigerators... we pretended we would buy it someday, make our own dream house; surprisingly, we were happy knowing that it wasn't true.

My mother trailed along beside my dad, she was always patient, going after us even though we unnecessarily covered every corridor, choosing things and asking tons of questions about unknown objects for us.

We live beautiful moments every day, moments that seem completely ordinary, but it's those small moments that are the most significant to you when your life changes, when even the ordinary is all gone. That kind of insignificant and small family times are what come to my mind now that I'm far away, now that I know that time won't repeat itself no matter how hard I try.

Remembering makes me incredibly sad, I shed tears while I go through memory lane; but it also makes me proud and happy, my tears make me grateful for having a family like my own, for being raised between lovely details.

Today I went to Home Depot. I'm older now, I'm wise enough to stop pretending, and I no longer live with my parents. I missed my dad insanely, I wanted to run through every corridor without caring for the stares, I wanted to look at my sisters in their eyes and see the same excitement and wonder glittering on the surface, I wanted to see my mom's smile behind my back, I wanted everything that I can't have anymore. Time is irreplaceable, time is cruel, and time won't ever let you go, it is unchangeable, and it will always make you miserably homesick.

"Ordinary moments can become extraordinary, simply by spending them with the right people." I do not remember the mind behind the quote, I believe I read it in a book last summer; but now I see the real meaning, and as I understand, I also cherish my ordinary family, the ordinary moments we spent together, and the extraordinary memories that I'll keep in my heart forever.

I miss you.

Falling down.

She wasn't the kind of girl who had a new crush every week. In fact, she had never had a real crush and she was already seventeen. She had only had two boyfriends in her short life, both were okay looking, normal people; but she didn't crush nor fall for either, and that was probably why both relationships ended without notice after not a very long time. 
She had liked other guys, flirted around with some, and actually almost kissed a few, but she never was the one who crushed on them, she just ended up liking them. There never was a guy that made her melt at the sight of him, that made her heart pound without knowing him, she never had feelings for anybody that didn't show interest in her beforehand; and that was why people thought she was overcritical, while men in particular just thought she was far beyond reach. 

Yet there she was, staring at the car ceiling, lost in her thoughts; not knowing that she was on her way to find what she never expected, to find something that would seem a lot like love, simply waiting for her in a small farmacy, just behind a shiny white counter that would separate her from him... her first crush. 

Love is this.

Today I was listening to a song while I was riding on my fathers car; while I was enjoying it, I felt the irrevocable need to share it with someone. Truthfully, where could there be a better place than my well kept non-private diary? 
Whoever reads this, wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, I hope you feel the same way, I hope you have tears coming to your eyes, and inspiration hits you hard on the chest. So you, like me can realize what we have, and stop taking for granted all the love in our lives. 

I've taken out the parts where the song repeats itself, the chorus is truly beautiful. The song's title is "This Is Love" by the Irish and totally hot band The Script. Enjoy and think it through.

It's in the eyes of the children, as they leave for the very first time. And it's in the heart of the soldier, as he takes a bullet on the frontline. It's in the face of a mother, as she takes the force of a blow. And its in the hands of the father, as he works his fingers to the bone.

I'm standing under a white flag. Can you see me? I'm standing for everything we have. Can you hear me?

This is why we do it.
This is worth the pain.
This is why we bow down,
And get back up again.
This is where the heart lies.
This is from above.
Love is this, this is love.
Love is why we do it.
Love is worth the pain.
Love is why we fall down,
And get back up again.
Love is where the heart lies.
Love is from above.
Love is this, this is love.

It's in the soul of a city, what it does after it crumbles and burns. And it's in the blood of a hero, to know that where he goes he may never return.

If you could be anywhere that you wanted to be, with anyone that you wanted to be with; do anything that you wanted to do, what would it be and who would it be with you?
Time flies but you're the pilot, it moves real fast but you're the driver, you may crash and burn sometimes.

Love is this, this is love.

P.S. Search the song on YouTube, Danny's voice is amazing, the melody is incredible, and the big plus... the lead singer is gorgeous. 

Blown away.

She was sitting over a lonely bench on the outskirts of campus, the wind was blowing in her hair while leaves swirled around her. She was reading under the shade of an oak tree, as she did every other day; and he watched her from behind, as he did every other day. 
He saw her shiver, but he hadn't noticed until then that the weather was getting cold, the sun was hiding behind the clouds and unlike the sun, he had no desire to keep hiding behind the wild berry bushes. He approached quietly towards her, and as he was reaching her, he pulled of his navy jacket and hung it over her shoulders, hugging her as he did so. She turned to face him, surprised with the recognition of his smell, she rested her head on his shoulder and gave him a kiss at the base of his chin. She could feel his rapid pulse touching her lips and felt the need to never let go. 
"Read to me." he whispered into her ear. 
"You don't even like this." she answered laughing.
"No, I don't." he admitted, "But I do love the sound of your voice." 
She smiled, wondering to herself why he made her feel this way, she never meant for it to go this far, to share as much; and as she began to read, she realized he didn't mean to fall either, but the way his arms held her, definitely made it clear that he did.

Midnight thoughts.

As she lay on her bed, she couldn't stop thinking about the slow rythmic pounding of a beating heart, she could not see it nor hear it, but she could surely feel it. She had her hand against his hot chest, her fingers tracing small circles, his heart seemed to match the slow pulsing of blood coursing through her veins. The moving of his chest was all she needed, his long intakes of air made her think more calmly, she had been restless all night, shifting her body from side to side until she found him; he had always been there, but she had avoided him, not wanting to touch him, to feel him. She was longing to know what he was dreaming, with his angelic face over the pillow, his eyes moving inside his sockets, she was sure he was seeing something he desired. As his chest moved upward once more, she thought of love, and she allowed herself to drown in her wild thoughts, those she wished to not seek. 
"Stop it." she said to herself.
"Stop what?" he asked as his eyes fluttered open.
"I... Umm... Said nothing, sleep talking." she answered quickly, but he didn't hear her, he was fast asleep, far away dreaming. What a sick bastard, she thought, he could sleep like a baby while she was losing a fight against her own will.

She couldn't help herself, having him there in her arms, she was supposed do be angry at him, but she was only angry at herself for feeling what she should not, yet she continued to stare at his long lashes, his unmoving lips, his bare chest... She should not, she should stop, let go and sleep; but he moved his arm over her as he muttered something inaudible, engaging her under his strength. She couldn't move an inch even if her life depended on it, but she didn't want to move, she loved every bit of him, she could lie to herself no more. 
In that moment, under the pressure of his body, she accepted her feelings, overpowered by her emotions she gave in to her weakness. "I hate you." she whispered feebly into his ear as she drifted into a deep sleep.

Ignorance is Bliss.

I’ve never been stopped before, never felt afraid of leaving something behind, never been conscious of the wonderful people around me. I’ve never felt this grateful for the things I have, for the people in my life. You may not know, but I’ve moved around a lot, lived in different places, met new people, and been through many experiences. But not once have I searched for this, this that I found in the smallest of places, I found love, confidence in myself, appreciation for others… I never looked for home. 

“You never know what you have until you lose it.” That is so true, wise words passed on through generations, and it’s still here, words stuck between societies forever. We’re always taking for granted what we have; never stopping to admire the beauty of the world around us, the people in our lives. We take for granted everything we have, why? Because we have it, it’s already ours. It’s not until these things start slipping away that we realize how grateful we should be, we realize things could have happened differently, we realize we can easily lose the things we love the most. And it’s until then; until we start losing; that we wish we had everything back the way it was. 

Things are falling from my hands; changes are clouding my horizon, clouds of realization, clouds that bring a rain of thought within them, storms of torment and regret. Why now? Why do I see until now that what I have here is what I want? Why didn’t I see it while the sun was shining bright in the sky? Well, because I’m oblivious to the facts, like every other human; and like every other human… I’m afraid, terrified of the future before me, wide eyed in the face of changes. 

There’s only one question burning its way through my thoughts, obligating me to choose between two paths that will mark my life forever. Take it or leave it? I’ve realized that its times like this that knowing becomes a curse, and being ignorant is living in bliss.