Blown away.

She was sitting over a lonely bench on the outskirts of campus, the wind was blowing in her hair while leaves swirled around her. She was reading under the shade of an oak tree, as she did every other day; and he watched her from behind, as he did every other day. 
He saw her shiver, but he hadn't noticed until then that the weather was getting cold, the sun was hiding behind the clouds and unlike the sun, he had no desire to keep hiding behind the wild berry bushes. He approached quietly towards her, and as he was reaching her, he pulled of his navy jacket and hung it over her shoulders, hugging her as he did so. She turned to face him, surprised with the recognition of his smell, she rested her head on his shoulder and gave him a kiss at the base of his chin. She could feel his rapid pulse touching her lips and felt the need to never let go. 
"Read to me." he whispered into her ear. 
"You don't even like this." she answered laughing.
"No, I don't." he admitted, "But I do love the sound of your voice." 
She smiled, wondering to herself why he made her feel this way, she never meant for it to go this far, to share as much; and as she began to read, she realized he didn't mean to fall either, but the way his arms held her, definitely made it clear that he did.

Midnight thoughts.

As she lay on her bed, she couldn't stop thinking about the slow rythmic pounding of a beating heart, she could not see it nor hear it, but she could surely feel it. She had her hand against his hot chest, her fingers tracing small circles, his heart seemed to match the slow pulsing of blood coursing through her veins. The moving of his chest was all she needed, his long intakes of air made her think more calmly, she had been restless all night, shifting her body from side to side until she found him; he had always been there, but she had avoided him, not wanting to touch him, to feel him. She was longing to know what he was dreaming, with his angelic face over the pillow, his eyes moving inside his sockets, she was sure he was seeing something he desired. As his chest moved upward once more, she thought of love, and she allowed herself to drown in her wild thoughts, those she wished to not seek. 
"Stop it." she said to herself.
"Stop what?" he asked as his eyes fluttered open.
"I... Umm... Said nothing, sleep talking." she answered quickly, but he didn't hear her, he was fast asleep, far away dreaming. What a sick bastard, she thought, he could sleep like a baby while she was losing a fight against her own will.

She couldn't help herself, having him there in her arms, she was supposed do be angry at him, but she was only angry at herself for feeling what she should not, yet she continued to stare at his long lashes, his unmoving lips, his bare chest... She should not, she should stop, let go and sleep; but he moved his arm over her as he muttered something inaudible, engaging her under his strength. She couldn't move an inch even if her life depended on it, but she didn't want to move, she loved every bit of him, she could lie to herself no more. 
In that moment, under the pressure of his body, she accepted her feelings, overpowered by her emotions she gave in to her weakness. "I hate you." she whispered feebly into his ear as she drifted into a deep sleep.

Ignorance is Bliss.

I’ve never been stopped before, never felt afraid of leaving something behind, never been conscious of the wonderful people around me. I’ve never felt this grateful for the things I have, for the people in my life. You may not know, but I’ve moved around a lot, lived in different places, met new people, and been through many experiences. But not once have I searched for this, this that I found in the smallest of places, I found love, confidence in myself, appreciation for others… I never looked for home. 

“You never know what you have until you lose it.” That is so true, wise words passed on through generations, and it’s still here, words stuck between societies forever. We’re always taking for granted what we have; never stopping to admire the beauty of the world around us, the people in our lives. We take for granted everything we have, why? Because we have it, it’s already ours. It’s not until these things start slipping away that we realize how grateful we should be, we realize things could have happened differently, we realize we can easily lose the things we love the most. And it’s until then; until we start losing; that we wish we had everything back the way it was. 

Things are falling from my hands; changes are clouding my horizon, clouds of realization, clouds that bring a rain of thought within them, storms of torment and regret. Why now? Why do I see until now that what I have here is what I want? Why didn’t I see it while the sun was shining bright in the sky? Well, because I’m oblivious to the facts, like every other human; and like every other human… I’m afraid, terrified of the future before me, wide eyed in the face of changes. 

There’s only one question burning its way through my thoughts, obligating me to choose between two paths that will mark my life forever. Take it or leave it? I’ve realized that its times like this that knowing becomes a curse, and being ignorant is living in bliss.

I'm in over my head.

A veces escucho voces. No, no estoy loca, ni soy esquizofrénica. Cuando cepillo mis dientes, cuando camino por la calle, antes de dormirme, o en la ducha… en ocasiones escucho voces. No son alucinaciones, no estoy loca, lo prometo. Es dialogo, son conversaciones que mi mente genera sin darme cuenta; si lo sé, es sumamente extraño, algunas personas me recomendarían un psicólogo, pero estas voces me ayudan a comprender, entiendo cosas que sola, realmente no podría. Puedes llamarlas conciencia o aburrimiento, sean lo que sean, me distraen de cosas que no quiero pensar, me facilitan el tener tiempo libre en mis manos. 

Anoche escuche una conversación en mi cabeza. ¿Revelación? No lo creo, tal vez muestre la confusión que siento hacia el tema. El dialogo es entre un doctor, y su mejor amigo; están discutiendo, pues el doctor perdió lo más importante de su vida, y le cuesta trabajo pensar que alguien o algo pudo haber deseado un futuro así para el. 

“Tienes que tener fe.” dijo su mejor amigo con una voz suave y gentil.
“¿Fe en qué? ¡Demonios!” gritó el joven doctor desesperado.
“Tienes que entregarle tu corazón a Dios.” Pidió con esperanza.
“¿Mi corazón? ¡Já! ¿Qué corazón? Yo entregué mi corazón. Lo di entero sin antes pensarlo ni dos veces, lo di con los ojos cerrados, ¿y sabes qué? Lo volvería a hacer, sin dudarlo.” Pausó un momento, calmándose. “Pero ya no hay nada en mi, ese maldito que llamas Dios, si es que existe, se lo llevó junto con ella.”
“Amigo, tienes que dejarlo ir, debes entender que todo pasa por algo. Cree, el tiene algo en tu destino, pero necesitas ayudarlo, confía en el.”
“¿Todo pasa por algo? ¿Destino? ¿Sabes qué es eso? ¡Basura! Eres el maldito arquitecto de tu desgraciado destino. ¡Mierda! Eso es. He hecho todo lo que está en mis manos, todo por tener una buena vida, por darle a alguien mi vida, pero ¿sabes qué? Mis decisiones, por más buenas y sensatas que fueron, mis planes anticipados, todo fue inútil; porque mi maldito destino, Dios, o cómo demonios lo quieras llamar, me arrebató todo lo que tenía, se llevó a mi esposa, ¡con mi hijo en su vientre! Así que dile a esa basura que llamas Dios, que se joda, con todo y su fe y su maldito destino.” Gritó exasperado, su rostro estaba rojo, sus ojos ansiosos.
“¡Tienes que calmarte! No tienes idea de lo que me duele verte así, eres mi hermano, crecimos juntos, me duele. ¡Tienes que seguir adelante!” dijo mientras una sola lágrima escapaba de su rostro.
“¿Calmarme?” preguntó incrédulo.
“Si calmarte.” Ordenó mientras él hacía lo mismo. “Continuar con tu vida, seguir adelante.”
“¿Mi vida?” Preguntó con sarcasmo crudo en su voz. “Mi vida es este maldito hospital, sigo viviendo únicamente para ayudar, ¿entiendes? No sirvo para nada más, soy incapaz de sentir algo que no sea odio.” Dijo apenas un susurro.
“No me daré por vencido, no voy a quedarme parado viendo como destruyes tu vida.” advirtió.
“En ese caso, en verdad espero que encuentres un asiento muy cómodo, porque no voy a cambiar, se acabó.” Respondió con dureza.
“Eso lo veremos, sólo Dios lo sabe.” Recordó con fe visible en su mirada.
“Que se joda tu maldito Dios.” Dijo entre dientes mientras salía de la habitación.

Quédate conmigo si quieres descubrir junto a mí, el principio, y el final de esta posible conmovedora historia, eso me agradaría mucho. En lo contrario, te puedes estar perdiendo de algo muy interesante… al menos eso espero. (:

Dreams & nonsense.

Hello fellow readers, I get the impression that it’s a tiny group. It might just be me out here; but I don’t care, because this was destined to be my diary, so if I keep the nosy out of it, I guess it’s a good thing… right?

I’ve fallen into the pattern of writing in English; I guess words flow out of my mind better. Well, getting to the point, I’ve realized I haven’t been very cheery at all in my posts, and just so you know: no, I’m not always this melancholic, my inspiration comes better when I’m sad. Weird, huh? But then I guess I’ve never been normal, and I’m proud of it, who wants to be like everyone else? Let me cut this nonsense and go back to the writing…

I’ve read about it, I’ve seen it on movies, I’ve also written about it; but it has never happened to me before, not once. I had a dream, and it was about something that occurred to me during the day. Extremely weird, given that I almost never remember what I dream of, but last nights’ dream was so livid, it’s still there in the back of my mind. My subconscious gave me something, something I thought that hadn’t affected me at all, but it definitely had something on me, because I’m still shocked somehow. 

Funny, how our mind works. Giving us thoughts, things so non-important that they should not matter at all, but here I am, questioning my brains out.

The fewer... the better.

People change, I’ve finally got it through my stubborn head. I may never know if a person changes for better or for worst, I’m not the one to judge that… but they do, and it’s totally not fair, because I don’t even get a heads up! I guess we all have to change sometime around, but it catches me off guard, it happens so abruptly it leaves me dizzy from amazement. Maybe its evolution, everyone around me is growing up in their very own special kind of way. Maybe if I don’t try to keep up to the changes, I’ll be stuck in prehistory and eventually become extinct (well now that’s over-doing it). Well thank you oh-so-very much Darwin, thanks to you I’ll be left behind to rot.

Talk is cheap.

Yeah, I know, my blog has become a depressing and sad warp of words, but oh well, let's say I'm an unhappy teenager, like oh so many billions of them out there, so deal with it.

Sorry for that, I haven't been in a very good mood these days, months... you get it. Let's forget my attitude and go back to the writing I did a couple days ago:

 So much time has gone by, I no longer cry, but I must confess I still do miss it. (Sorry if I don't explain myself, sometimes someone's feelings aren't explainable.) I only miss it when I'm feeling terribly lonely, but I actually don't miss it, I miss company, I miss knowing that someone's there for me, that someone loves me, or at least cares a bit about me; I felt lonely today, extraordinarily lonely. I spent all day watching TV, crying at the end of every damn episode for my rubbish loneliness. I know I'm completely over-dramatic, I know I've got to put my head back in the clouds, since it's been hanging low for the past months, almost reaching the ground (again with my drama). 

Something's gotten in to me, I know "things happen for a reason"... blah, blah, blah. but I don't want to embrace the moments, I want to be completely free of them, free of thought, free of memories, free to do and believe in whatever or whoever I want to; but there's still something holding me back, and I absolutely know it's not love, it's my damn huge loneliness. I know this is a faze, I'm a teenager, let's say it's normal, I know it's going to go away, but I can't help thinking I've never felt lonelier in my entire life. 

 Inevitably, I've come to the conclusion that I need something or someone to hold on to, to look up to, call it faith, call it love, call it God or dementia, call it whatever you want to, but for my mind's sake, I can't feel like this... I shall not feel like this anymore.