I Missed You

Keeping up the maintenance of a blog has been a dream of mine for a very long time. I began writing in this blog years ago and suddenly stopped as my life changed. Looking back at these changes I wish I would have kept this blog more updated, so that I could look back as I get older and see all that I have grown. 

I went from falling in love with the characters of the books I read, to flirting with real boys, to my first relationship that ended as soon as it had started, to the heartbreak that came from the breakup, to moving to another country to pursue a higher education, to losing the only best friend I ever had, to missing my mother so much that it hurt as I took a breath, to getting my first job, to the second job, to the third job, to going to college, to meeting the man that I am still in love with, to falling in debt with school, to dropping out of college for one semester, to moving back with my parents, to rebelling for not being independent to make decisions despite being financially independent, to going against my dad and moving back to another country, to crying from stress, to crying from lack of strength, to crying for the lack of sleep, to crying for lack of money, to being happy, to growing in love, to learning how to move on, to growing into the person I am today.

I wish I had recorded all of this when it happened. I wish I knew what I was feeling at every moment that my life changed, every moment that I took a definitive decision. I wish to see myself grow in the hopes of helping my future children grow. 

I hope to keep myself posted.

The Return.

It has been a while since I wrote something for this blog. I miss this place. In over a year, my life has changed drastically. Not only did I take a few English classes that have indeed improved my writing, my emotional life has turned around completely, and thus, changed the course of my writing.

I am in love. And being in love can change everything. My life has changed in more ways than I ever imagined before turning 20. I am not saying I am a mature adult, absolutely not. But I am ready to head there, I am ready to take the first few steps on my own, and with the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Whenever I look back at the days that changed my life forever, the defining days that marked my growth as an adult, today will definitely be on my mind. 

Today I talked to my dad. But I really talked to him, like we have never spoken before. Talking to my dad about things that I know he will not agree with has always been a terror in my life. My dad doesn’t take what he does not like the right way. And because of this fear, I have been very unfair to my father. I have lied to him, and I’ve hurt him more than I thought I could with a single lie. But with that lie, I triggered the response I wanted, he responded be treating me as an adult and no longer as his little girl. My dad took me out for breakfast today, just him and I, and we talked. We did not scream and we did not argue, we simply talked. He calmly approached my lie, and we both cried, and I realized that my father notices how much I’ve grown. I promised I wouldn’t lie again, that I would speak the truth even if it hurts him, and I will.

Today I have also tested the strength of my relationship with my boyfriend, and it is much stronger than I thought. I love my relationship; I’d say it’s quite perfect. Yes, we fight and we do not agree on everything, but we have the ability to talk about the disagreements and reach a conclusion that is favorable for both. We are loyal, communicative, honest, respectful, and most important, loving with each other. I cherish who he is and what he makes me, and he appreciates who I am and what I make him. We have not been dating for that long, but yet we are comfortable to talk about a future together, and to envision our goals as one.  But today, today reinforced everything I have told you. Bear with me as I explain... My boyfriend and I have committed to a long-distance relationship for about a month. We were used to doing everything together, we studied together, we ate together, and we spent every second of free time we had together. I never thought I could trust someone so much and grow so close to a person in so little time. But I did, I love him more than I can bear, and being away from him breaks my heart every single day we’re apart. Since I arrived back home and away from him, he has been asking when I am coming back, demanding for a plan and a definite date for my return. As an unemployed, poor, and in-debt student, a plan is not really in my horizon. Today, I have a plan. You see, my boyfriend and I have talked about marriage before, many times. We had agreed that it wouldn’t happen until we were able to afford the real deal, which is in our 30’s. But the circumstances require other measures. No, I am not getting married. But we have agreed to fight together. We have planned to make a plan. He agreed to take off half of the weight from my shoulders and find a way so that we can figure this out together. And with a single 2-hour conversation, the air rushed back into my lungs and finally let me breathe.

You now probably know more than you should about me. But I wanted to share the way I feel right now. How I feel adulthood growing on my skin with every breath. I now have a voice and right to decide what is best for my life, and I have the support of someone who loves me to hold my hand as we both immerge ourselves into the world of “grown-ups.”

I never knew I could be so happy with so much uncertainty in my life. And that, my friends, is how love has changed me; I am no longer afraid of that which I do not know.

I Always Will.

We never went to the beach together,
but the sand between my toes reminds me of you.
We never shared ice-cream together,
but the rich and creamy taste reminds me of you.
We never flied a kite together,
but the soaring wind tangling my hair reminds me of you.

Do not get me wrong love,
for I am not in love,
I am melancholic and homesick
for the love that never was.
No, I am not in love,
I am melancholic and homesick
of the memory, of the doubt.

We never read a book together,
but the smell of crispy paper reminds me of you.
We never walked under the moon together,
but its peaceful glow reminds me of you.
We never said goodbye,
which is why I remember you.

You will always be the long forgotten whisper in the wind.
Your face behind my eyelids will be the light guiding my dreams.
But do not get me wrong love,
for I am not in love.
No, I never loved you,
but I always will.

Fairy Dust.

I am terrified to begin the rest of my life. I want to be like Peter Pan, I wish I could be a child forever. But I know I can't, I know it's impossible. How can I be a child if I have dreams and desires to accomplish? I want to meet Mr. Right. I want to meet love. I want to get married. I want to travel. I want to educate myself. I want to open my eyes and mind to the world. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a writer. I want children of my own. I want many things from life, but I also want to be myself. I'm afraid of losing who I am on the process of growing up. I'm afraid of forgetting where I come from and the people who have made me who I am. I'm afraid of tomorrow, of the uncertainty that makes tomorrow a dark and mysterious place. Will I be proud of who I will become? Will I be what I dream today? Will I forget my goals and principles in the way? As I get older, more questions build up in my mind, clogging my brain and leaving little room for imagination and childish creativity. There is no doubt... I am afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid of growing up, I am my own version of Peter Pan.

Tomorrow may be uncertain, but I am certain that I will never allow the child in me to fade away. Somehow, I will always be a little Peter Pan. I have my fears and writing to remind myself of who I am, who I've always been. All I need to survive the uncertainty of tomorrow is the magic of my dreams, and of course, a handful of sparkly fairy dust.

Shhh.

She will never forget the smell of wet grass as the rain hit the ground. It pounded on her scalp and dripped down her chin as it fell on her soaked clothes. The rain concealed the tears streaming down her face as they got into her mouth and left a salty taste on her tongue. As they lowered the body of the boy she loved, all she could feel in her heart was hatred. Sarah did not feel sorrow, she did not feel sad. Sarah was quietly glad for his death. Her sister touched her hand as it was time to go and she smiled to herself as she threw the last white rose on the surface of the coffin.

Cielo azúl.

Me gusta voltear hacia el cielo y saber que no soy la única sufriendo. Me gusta saber que en algún lugar del mundo alguien lamenta las cosas que ha hecho y las decisiones que ha tomado. Me gusta saber que hay alguien viendo el cielo, lamentándose y pensando que hay alguna otra persona que comparte su sufir. Me gusta saber que esa persona soy yo.

Me gusta saber que hay personas agradecidas con la vida, sin importar que tienen hoyos en los zapatos. Me gusta saber que hay gente honesta, gente feliz; me hacen darme cuenta de lo egoísta, vanidosa, y egocéntrica que soy.

Me gusta caminar, un pie delante del otro, mi cabeza inundada de pensamientos, y mis ojos llenos de lágrimas. Me gusta sentir el viento secar mis mejillas, y sonreir al cielo con el sol cegando mi vista. Me gusta saber que voy comenzando, que a mi vida aún le falta encontrar su sentido. Me gusta que mis tristezas y errores me abran los ojos, y me hagan valorar lo que he perdido.

Decenas de carros con docenas de personas pasan por la calle donde camino. Todos los días cruzamos miradas, pero nunca nos detenemos a pensar en la felicidad o tristeza de desconocidos. Así que camino con la mirada en el piso y lágrimas sobre mis mejillas, esperando que un desconocido olvide por dos segundos sus problemas, y se pregunte por los míos.

Life is worth living.

I know my reckless thoughts should not be published on the very first day of the new year. I should have some consideration for the person/s who read my blog. But I could not stop myself from drifting my thoughts into this depressed state of mind. Sometimes (frequently) I stop and wonder if what I consider important in life is actually important. Would it make a difference if I was a bit more careless? If I dedicated less time planning my future and actually lived my present? Are my goals right? Is this what a person has to seek and dream? I have doubts, I wonder if everything I do is worthy of my time and life. What will a good education mean after I'm long gone and six feet under dirt? Nothing can assure me anything. I am the one who chooses what is important for me...but how can I ever know?