I Always Will.

We never went to the beach together,
but the sand between my toes reminds me of you.
We never shared ice-cream together,
but the rich and creamy taste reminds me of you.
We never flied a kite together,
but the soaring wind tangling my hair reminds me of you.

Do not get me wrong love,
for I am not in love,
I am melancholic and homesick
for the love that never was.
No, I am not in love,
I am melancholic and homesick
of the memory, of the doubt.

We never read a book together,
but the smell of crispy paper reminds me of you.
We never walked under the moon together,
but its peaceful glow reminds me of you.
We never said goodbye,
which is why I remember you.

You will always be the long forgotten whisper in the wind.
Your face behind my eyelids will be the light guiding my dreams.
But do not get me wrong love,
for I am not in love.
No, I never loved you,
but I always will.

Fairy Dust.

I am terrified to begin the rest of my life. I want to be like Peter Pan, I wish I could be a child forever. But I know I can't, I know it's impossible. How can I be a child if I have dreams and desires to accomplish? I want to meet Mr. Right. I want to meet love. I want to get married. I want to travel. I want to educate myself. I want to open my eyes and mind to the world. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a writer. I want children of my own. I want many things from life, but I also want to be myself. I'm afraid of losing who I am on the process of growing up. I'm afraid of forgetting where I come from and the people who have made me who I am. I'm afraid of tomorrow, of the uncertainty that makes tomorrow a dark and mysterious place. Will I be proud of who I will become? Will I be what I dream today? Will I forget my goals and principles in the way? As I get older, more questions build up in my mind, clogging my brain and leaving little room for imagination and childish creativity. There is no doubt... I am afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid of growing up, I am my own version of Peter Pan.

Tomorrow may be uncertain, but I am certain that I will never allow the child in me to fade away. Somehow, I will always be a little Peter Pan. I have my fears and writing to remind myself of who I am, who I've always been. All I need to survive the uncertainty of tomorrow is the magic of my dreams, and of course, a handful of sparkly fairy dust.

Shhh.

She will never forget the smell of wet grass as the rain hit the ground. It pounded on her scalp and dripped down her chin as it fell on her soaked clothes. The rain concealed the tears streaming down her face as they got into her mouth and left a salty taste on her tongue. As they lowered the body of the boy she loved, all she could feel in her heart was hatred. Sarah did not feel sorrow, she did not feel sad. Sarah was quietly glad for his death. Her sister touched her hand as it was time to go and she smiled to herself as she threw the last white rose on the surface of the coffin.

Cielo azúl.

Me gusta voltear hacia el cielo y saber que no soy la única sufriendo. Me gusta saber que en algún lugar del mundo alguien lamenta las cosas que ha hecho y las decisiones que ha tomado. Me gusta saber que hay alguien viendo el cielo, lamentándose y pensando que hay alguna otra persona que comparte su sufir. Me gusta saber que esa persona soy yo.

Me gusta saber que hay personas agradecidas con la vida, sin importar que tienen hoyos en los zapatos. Me gusta saber que hay gente honesta, gente feliz; me hacen darme cuenta de lo egoísta, vanidosa, y egocéntrica que soy.

Me gusta caminar, un pie delante del otro, mi cabeza inundada de pensamientos, y mis ojos llenos de lágrimas. Me gusta sentir el viento secar mis mejillas, y sonreir al cielo con el sol cegando mi vista. Me gusta saber que voy comenzando, que a mi vida aún le falta encontrar su sentido. Me gusta que mis tristezas y errores me abran los ojos, y me hagan valorar lo que he perdido.

Decenas de carros con docenas de personas pasan por la calle donde camino. Todos los días cruzamos miradas, pero nunca nos detenemos a pensar en la felicidad o tristeza de desconocidos. Así que camino con la mirada en el piso y lágrimas sobre mis mejillas, esperando que un desconocido olvide por dos segundos sus problemas, y se pregunte por los míos.

Life is worth living.

I know my reckless thoughts should not be published on the very first day of the new year. I should have some consideration for the person/s who read my blog. But I could not stop myself from drifting my thoughts into this depressed state of mind. Sometimes (frequently) I stop and wonder if what I consider important in life is actually important. Would it make a difference if I was a bit more careless? If I dedicated less time planning my future and actually lived my present? Are my goals right? Is this what a person has to seek and dream? I have doubts, I wonder if everything I do is worthy of my time and life. What will a good education mean after I'm long gone and six feet under dirt? Nothing can assure me anything. I am the one who chooses what is important for me...but how can I ever know? 

Say more in less words.

Distraction is so easy to obtain, I can't wrap my head around something for an instant because before I know it, I'm already thinking about something else. Do you know that feeling? When you have so much on your mind? When you are battling between a torrent of ideas and thoughts? That's how I feel right now, that is how I have felt lately; and having such an obstacled mind really makes my writing suck. So instead, I will share a quote from the book I'm reading, it is a new perspective to the topic, something I have never considered, but liked very much.

"...there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. Do you understand that?... When you kill a man, you steal a life, you steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children from a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. Do you see?"

I see, I can see perfectly how this man is right. The book is titled The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, my english teacher let me borrow it, and though I am barely in chapter three, I know I am going to love it.

Better judgement.

In the path of life, there will always be people that make you as blissful as you'll ever be, but their time to go comes, and they will make you as unhappy as you have ever been. 

People ease into your life, into your heart, they squeeze into the cracks of your skin, they do it slowly, patiently. They become your weakness, your strength, and everything in between; they allow you to smile, to laugh, to breath; they become the very best of you. And after they reach into your mind and soul, when they become the base of your thoughts... they leave. Unannounced. Quickly. Without leaving a trace. Those empty cracks start filling up with pain, unending tears drip from your eyes like broken faucets, and your heart hides from light, finding home in the darkest of your thoughts. Anger overpowers happiness; but then it fades away, camouflaging behind confusion and all those unending questions that keep you up every night, waiting for the answers that will never come. It seems impossible, but the time when you don't feel nothing at all eventually comes, music stops making you sad, and you begin to smile as enlightenment reaches the corners of your heart's cave. Realization hits you, the ice wall breaks, and you learn that people who hurt you the most, also teach you more than you can imagine.

I was taught that I am valuable, not because of money or last names. Today I can smile on my own, because I am valuable for who I am, what I believe in, and who I will become. I was taught that I shouldn't stop believing in myself, that I shouldn't give up on my dreams, that I have to fight for what I feel is best for me.

Society may have it's own judgment, but today, I am the judge of myself.