Shhh.

She will never forget the smell of wet grass as the rain hit the ground. It pounded on her scalp and dripped down her chin as it fell on her soaked clothes. The rain concealed the tears streaming down her face as they got into her mouth and left a salty taste on her tongue. As they lowered the body of the boy she loved, all she could feel in her heart was hatred. Sarah did not feel sorrow, she did not feel sad. Sarah was quietly glad for his death. Her sister touched her hand as it was time to go and she smiled to herself as she threw the last white rose on the surface of the coffin.

Cielo azúl.

Me gusta voltear hacia el cielo y saber que no soy la única sufriendo. Me gusta saber que en algún lugar del mundo alguien lamenta las cosas que ha hecho y las decisiones que ha tomado. Me gusta saber que hay alguien viendo el cielo, lamentándose y pensando que hay alguna otra persona que comparte su sufir. Me gusta saber que esa persona soy yo.

Me gusta saber que hay personas agradecidas con la vida, sin importar que tienen hoyos en los zapatos. Me gusta saber que hay gente honesta, gente feliz; me hacen darme cuenta de lo egoísta, vanidosa, y egocéntrica que soy.

Me gusta caminar, un pie delante del otro, mi cabeza inundada de pensamientos, y mis ojos llenos de lágrimas. Me gusta sentir el viento secar mis mejillas, y sonreir al cielo con el sol cegando mi vista. Me gusta saber que voy comenzando, que a mi vida aún le falta encontrar su sentido. Me gusta que mis tristezas y errores me abran los ojos, y me hagan valorar lo que he perdido.

Decenas de carros con docenas de personas pasan por la calle donde camino. Todos los días cruzamos miradas, pero nunca nos detenemos a pensar en la felicidad o tristeza de desconocidos. Así que camino con la mirada en el piso y lágrimas sobre mis mejillas, esperando que un desconocido olvide por dos segundos sus problemas, y se pregunte por los míos.

Life is worth living.

I know my reckless thoughts should not be published on the very first day of the new year. I should have some consideration for the person/s who read my blog. But I could not stop myself from drifting my thoughts into this depressed state of mind. Sometimes (frequently) I stop and wonder if what I consider important in life is actually important. Would it make a difference if I was a bit more careless? If I dedicated less time planning my future and actually lived my present? Are my goals right? Is this what a person has to seek and dream? I have doubts, I wonder if everything I do is worthy of my time and life. What will a good education mean after I'm long gone and six feet under dirt? Nothing can assure me anything. I am the one who chooses what is important for me...but how can I ever know? 

Say more in less words.

Distraction is so easy to obtain, I can't wrap my head around something for an instant because before I know it, I'm already thinking about something else. Do you know that feeling? When you have so much on your mind? When you are battling between a torrent of ideas and thoughts? That's how I feel right now, that is how I have felt lately; and having such an obstacled mind really makes my writing suck. So instead, I will share a quote from the book I'm reading, it is a new perspective to the topic, something I have never considered, but liked very much.

"...there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. Do you understand that?... When you kill a man, you steal a life, you steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children from a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. Do you see?"

I see, I can see perfectly how this man is right. The book is titled The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, my english teacher let me borrow it, and though I am barely in chapter three, I know I am going to love it.

Better judgement.

In the path of life, there will always be people that make you as blissful as you'll ever be, but their time to go comes, and they will make you as unhappy as you have ever been. 

People ease into your life, into your heart, they squeeze into the cracks of your skin, they do it slowly, patiently. They become your weakness, your strength, and everything in between; they allow you to smile, to laugh, to breath; they become the very best of you. And after they reach into your mind and soul, when they become the base of your thoughts... they leave. Unannounced. Quickly. Without leaving a trace. Those empty cracks start filling up with pain, unending tears drip from your eyes like broken faucets, and your heart hides from light, finding home in the darkest of your thoughts. Anger overpowers happiness; but then it fades away, camouflaging behind confusion and all those unending questions that keep you up every night, waiting for the answers that will never come. It seems impossible, but the time when you don't feel nothing at all eventually comes, music stops making you sad, and you begin to smile as enlightenment reaches the corners of your heart's cave. Realization hits you, the ice wall breaks, and you learn that people who hurt you the most, also teach you more than you can imagine.

I was taught that I am valuable, not because of money or last names. Today I can smile on my own, because I am valuable for who I am, what I believe in, and who I will become. I was taught that I shouldn't stop believing in myself, that I shouldn't give up on my dreams, that I have to fight for what I feel is best for me.

Society may have it's own judgment, but today, I am the judge of myself.

Insignificantly significant.

I was blessed to grow up in a family where love is sweet, where you could feel it in the air, warm and toasty, like a steaming cup of hot chocolate on a cold winters' night.

My dad used to go to Home Depot a lot, and my sisters and I loved to keep him company. We enjoyed looking at all the beautiful bright lamps, the colorful doors, and the marvelous windows. We chose dozens of paint colors for our rooms that would never be painted, we chose everything that we liked the most, door knobs, rugs, refrigerators... we pretended we would buy it someday, make our own dream house; surprisingly, we were happy knowing that it wasn't true.

My mother trailed along beside my dad, she was always patient, going after us even though we unnecessarily covered every corridor, choosing things and asking tons of questions about unknown objects for us.

We live beautiful moments every day, moments that seem completely ordinary, but it's those small moments that are the most significant to you when your life changes, when even the ordinary is all gone. That kind of insignificant and small family times are what come to my mind now that I'm far away, now that I know that time won't repeat itself no matter how hard I try.

Remembering makes me incredibly sad, I shed tears while I go through memory lane; but it also makes me proud and happy, my tears make me grateful for having a family like my own, for being raised between lovely details.

Today I went to Home Depot. I'm older now, I'm wise enough to stop pretending, and I no longer live with my parents. I missed my dad insanely, I wanted to run through every corridor without caring for the stares, I wanted to look at my sisters in their eyes and see the same excitement and wonder glittering on the surface, I wanted to see my mom's smile behind my back, I wanted everything that I can't have anymore. Time is irreplaceable, time is cruel, and time won't ever let you go, it is unchangeable, and it will always make you miserably homesick.

"Ordinary moments can become extraordinary, simply by spending them with the right people." I do not remember the mind behind the quote, I believe I read it in a book last summer; but now I see the real meaning, and as I understand, I also cherish my ordinary family, the ordinary moments we spent together, and the extraordinary memories that I'll keep in my heart forever.

I miss you.

Falling down.

She wasn't the kind of girl who had a new crush every week. In fact, she had never had a real crush and she was already seventeen. She had only had two boyfriends in her short life, both were okay looking, normal people; but she didn't crush nor fall for either, and that was probably why both relationships ended without notice after not a very long time. 
She had liked other guys, flirted around with some, and actually almost kissed a few, but she never was the one who crushed on them, she just ended up liking them. There never was a guy that made her melt at the sight of him, that made her heart pound without knowing him, she never had feelings for anybody that didn't show interest in her beforehand; and that was why people thought she was overcritical, while men in particular just thought she was far beyond reach. 

Yet there she was, staring at the car ceiling, lost in her thoughts; not knowing that she was on her way to find what she never expected, to find something that would seem a lot like love, simply waiting for her in a small farmacy, just behind a shiny white counter that would separate her from him... her first crush.